I've got a tiny human baby at home. He's a little sweetheart; he's bashful and curious and bangs his heels on the floor so hard I worry he'll hurt himself. He's stubborn and perfect and, yes, innocent.
When he's about ten- maybe even a little bit younger, maybe a lot younger- I'm going to talk to him about pornography.
Because he's going to find pictures of naked ladies and gentlemen far easier to get his grubby wee hands on than I did, and like a lot of children before me, sexual desire fully blossomed in me only after a period of intense curiosity. I wanted to know the truth about boobs, the truth about what women looked like Down There, the truth about doing it. And all I had to go on was the Sunday Sport.
It's not going to be an entirely comfortable conversation for me, but by planning it and not being afraid of it I can at least make it edifying for my son. Here's my plan so far:
1) We watch Die Hard. Die Hard is a fifteen and clearly super inappropriate for my young son, so I figure he'll be on board with this. Die Hard includes:
Shooting a dude in the crotch
Throwing a dude off a building
Liberal use of the term "motherfucker" as well as the term "yippee-ki-yay", which I will claim is an even worse swear than "motherfucker", but that's really for my own amusement
Explosives like crazy
Foot injuries from broken glass
2) Afterwards, I'll ask him if he enjoyed the film, and after I've assumed his answer is yes, I'll ask him whether he thinks real police work is anything like what he's just watched.
3) We'll talk about how real police work is much more about paperwork and about how if you wanted to know exactly what real police work was like, you should probably ask a police officer.
4) We'll talk about how Bruce Willis is an actor and how a lot of the stunts were set up; we'll talk about the setting up, taking shots again and again, and the general process of film.
5) Then we'll talk about pornography. That just like Die Hard is a made up story about a police officer fighting crime and real-world crime fighting is very different, that when people make films about people having sex they don't just film real-world sex. They make up the way they want the sex and the naked people to look and then they film that.
6) I'll tell him if he ever has any questions about sex or about naked bodies then he can ask me, or his mum if he doesn't feel comfortable asking me, or his auntie or his uncle or his godmother. And that we'll always tell him the truth, but that pornography won't always tell the truth. Because, just like Die Hard, it's designed for someone to watch, to entertain them, and that's a bad way to learn how to do it yourself. It's better just to ask.
7) Then we'll watch some Avatar: The Last Airbender and practice our Earthbending moves.
I'm putting this out there because today, David "The Camster" Cameron has said he wants to ban porn by default in the UK, and that's really bad. It's straight-up government censorship. And I've got a horrible feeling that any automated porn-finder will shut off articles like this one a heck of a lot more efficiently than they'll stop ten and eleven-year-olds looking at pictures of bums.
This is the best
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, thank you. You also win all the points for using Die Hard as an educational tool.
ReplyDeleteExcellent, both as post and plan!
ReplyDeleteVery sensible words there, from a real parent, and not a "Won't someone please think of the children??!!" pseudo-parent government type.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes. I have been using this analogy (except with Lethal Weapon) for a while, but in a slightly different way. I have said something along these lines:
ReplyDeleteLethal Weapon is a fun, entertaining movie. There is nothing wrong with enjoying Lethal Weapon, and there's nothing wrong with a police officer enjoying Lethal Weapon, but we wouldn't train a police officer by only making him/her watch Lethal Weapon movies. Porn is like Lethal Weapon. If you're only training for sex is porn, it's like a cop whose only training is watching Lethal Weapon. Sex education can't just be about how to put a condom on a banana and looking at pictures of STD-ravaged genitals. There has to be sex-positive sex education about how to have sex. Maybe the classroom isn't the right setting for it. Maybe it has to be a video series kids can watch in private with the opportunity to contact a professional to ask questions, but there has to be something, because if there isn't anything like that available, porn will serve as sex education by default.
In conclusion, Avatar: The Last Airbender is the greatest television series of all time. It is the only show that scores a 101 on my personal 100 point Breaking-Bad-is-100 scale.
Why would you ask your relatives about sex when the professionals have the technique and expertise to provide the best information. Forget that bull about you gotta be in love to have sex and Jesus only wants you to do it with your legal spouse. What the kids really need to know is how to get their partner off. Since most American adults have the sexual technique and knowledge of a slime mold, kids should never expect good advice from an American adult.
ReplyDeleteWatching porn doesn't get you the "technique and expertise" you talk about any more than watching a cooking show gets you the ability to make a perfect duck confit.
DeleteI'll agree with you that porn stars probably know more than most about the messy realities of real-world sex; if you can ask them in person then I imagine they'll be pretty frank about what they do and don't enjoy, about what does and doesn't work.
But trying to learn how to have good, satisfying sex from porn is an awful idea. Most porn is produced not for the pleasure of the participants, but for the pleasure of a third party viewer. It's a crappy way to learn what sort of things you might want to do.
I don't reckon anyone but you and any prospective parters you have is in charge of who you have sex with or any of the details- I am not the morality police. There's a bundle of great resources out there for people who want to try something new in the sack and I think a lot of people could, yeah, do with educating themselves.
Since my kid is going to grow up with the internet RIGHT THERE, if he can't come to his dad and ask questions about sex and get them answered honestly then I've made a parenting mistake. Simple as that.
And I'm not bloody American!